


Just a Few Seconds

by Oreon7



Category: GOT7, Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Choking, Cutting, Depression, Jaebum-Centric, M/M, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, hurtandcomfort, selfharm, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 19:51:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14315937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oreon7/pseuds/Oreon7
Summary: Jaebum is the sharp one, the observant one. He's the strong one, the reliable one. Jaebum has Depression. Oh, but it doesn't show, no worries. He's a reasonable guy, so he can always distangle himself from his emotions. Except when he can't, except when it's just the few seconds of primal urge to hurt, to cut, to scratch, to claw, to bite... and so he does. But remember, it's okay, he can take care of himself, he's strong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was surfing through Jaebum fics, and noticed that he's usually not the center of the relationship. I'm craving for it so I decided to write it myself;) and I'm a sucker for OT7's so... yeah.
> 
>  
> 
> Please do not take offense in what I write, the character is purely fictional, only name and appearance are borrowed from the real life idol. Sensitive topics are contained, if you are easily triggered this probably isn't the best fic for you.

JYP walked into the entertainment building and, as he did, his eyes caught on a trainee staring at a painting on the wall.   
‘You look empty.’ JYP noted in that blunt way of his.   
‘Maybe I am.’ The trainee responded.  
‘Then why are you here?’ JYP asked, raising his eyebrows. Jaebum smiled blankly at him.  
‘Well, clearly, when you put it like that I must not be empty; maybe I just like to convince myself I am.’ JYP remained silent but you could see his questions hanging in the air. ‘Consider it a form of self-preservation… if I convince myself I am empty I will feel no pain. If I convince others I am empty then they wouldn’t bother to try and hurt me.’  
‘And how do you know that?’   
‘Hmm?’  
‘How do you know they won’t bother to hurt you?’  
‘Because… who swings a sword at empty air?’ Silence weighed heavily down on the room.  
‘Well, I can tell you one thing.’ JYP said. Jaebum looked at him expectantly. ‘You’re not going to debut with an attitude like that.’ JYP’s words would leave most trainees in a state of shock. Shock at the man’s boldness and shock at the thought of losing their dream. This trainee, however, had no reaction.   
‘So then, you are telling me to change?’ JYP frowned.  
‘I’m not telling you to do anything, but if becoming an idol means anything to you then you need to figure out your little personality complex soon.’ JYP stated before leaving the trainee deep in thought. LITTLE personality complex? This is a whole lot more than a little personality complex… yet even as that thought ended another one slid in. Oh, please, Jaebum. You give yourself too much credit, you’re just a wimp.

It’s not normal to have conversations with yourself! 

Pff, haven’t you ever heard people talking aloud to themselves? There you go again, getting all big headed.

I just want to be happy.

Stop kidding yourself, you’re not normal.

Do I really want to be happy? What does happiness even mean?

‘Jaebum?’ A voice said. Jaebum shook his head, trying to clear the voices from his mind. Jackson stared at Jaebum in a state of confusion and concern. All Jaebum did was stare back at Jackson for a while, gauging his next move. What happens if I act happy? Jaebum didn’t want to think about it too much. He didn’t want the voices to come back. Are you sure about that? You know you love the attention… 

Jaebum envisioned himself slamming the voice into closet and shutting the door. He smiled widely at Jackson and hoped it didn’t look forced. He invited Jackson to eat out with him and hoped his voice didn’t sound strained. He tried to make his eyes sparkle with kindness and compassion and hoped it didn’t look fake. And he laughed.. a lot. He went to bed with a smile on his face. He woke up with the same smile. He finally made friends with the other trainees. He didn’t eat his lunch alone anymore. For now, Jaebum was okay. Will power is really a powerful thing, but sometimes you just run out of energy. Your fire burns out and you wish… you wish that you could just kill yourself. Nothing lasts forever, especially things that didn’t fully exist in the first place.


	2. As an Idol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a time skip to Jaebum as an idol.

Jaebum finally made it as an idol. He honestly has no idea how he got there, he had just kept moving, doing what he was told, and covering his slip ups where he fell deep into the dark; now, he was the leader of six talented men, unlike him. He often wondered what management had been thinking when they made him Got7’s leader. Heck, what were they thinking when they made him part of the group in the first place. 

His eyes stared blankly in front of him. He could see the recording studio, he could hear the voices of his band members and friends but it wasn’t really sinking in. He felt out of place, like a shard of broken glass disrupting reality. A blip of imperfection in the flawless cloth called the world. He thought about how easy it would be to take his life right now. If taking his life was a decision then he would be dead. But taking his life is an action and Jaebum acknowledges that this is why he is still alive. Taking his life requires planning and he does not have the energy for that. Not to mention, wouldn’t taking his life make him a bad person? After all, his friends would probably feel bad wouldn’t they? But if they didn’t… then taking his life wouldn’t be that bad after all. Realizing what he was thinking about he tried to snap himself out of it. He tried to pull himself away from this blank mindset that had no space for good feelings. But it wouldn’t go away, the world remained a bland grey color. He honestly wasn’t sure if he was even really trying to snap out of it. Everything was a constant pull in one direction and the next. The pull to be normal without knowing what it is, the pull to be himself which was an emotional roller coaster all on its own, the pull to be a thousand different things he knew were better than himself. It was overwhelming and nothing at the same time. He didn’t care about anything yet he could think of dozens of things he regretted.

‘Jaebum-hyung!’ Someone’s voice sounded in his ear. He blinked, turning to find the voice. ‘Yes, Yugyeom-ah?’ He asked.

'Are you okay, hyung? You kind of zoned out there for a second,' Yugyeom blinked up at him innocently. Jaebum smiled at him weakly, thinking to himself how he's been tuning out for at least the past ten minutes. Then again it was hard to be sure, time always felt like it was passing too slowly. 

'Pft what are you talking about, I didn't zone out,' Jaebum protested, not wanting to admit to his moment of weakness. Yugyeom rolled his eyes at him.

'Sure, hyung. So then what were we talking about?' Yugyeom pressed. Jaebum's brain stalled.

'Uh...' Instantly, Jackson was launching himself at him from the other side of the table, cackling. The world spun for a brief moment as Jaebum fell out of his chair with the other man on top of him. Seriously, where did this guy get his energy, Jaebum wondered, and could he potentially borrow some?

'Just admit you weren't paying attention, hyung,' Jackson said. Jaebum glared at him, refusing to admit it. He wasn't sure why but he was starting to feel genuine frustration over what was supposed to be friendly banter and with the frustration came a slight stinging of tears behind his eyes. He hated it, how sensitive he could get over such simple things. He especially hated crying, even more so when he wasn't even sad. A soft voice drifted over the room.

'You have to admit he wasn't missing anything, Jackson. You were only talking about-' Bambam leapt at Mark, trying to prevent his hyung from continuing to speak and instead ending up on the floor. '-the pricing of ramen cups,' he finished, unperturbed by his fallen dongsaeng. Jackson looked at Mark, horrorstruck. 

'H-Hyung, what happened to Markson? Have you given up on us?' Jackson stuttered dramatically. Mark just sort of looked at him blankly before turning his gaze to Jaebum and smiling softly. Jaebum cracked a smile back, thankful that the attention had been taken off of him. Mark was like a guardian angel sent down from heaven. Sometimes, when Jaebum felt like he was getting distraught, Mark would be there and suddenly everything was a little bit easier. It's hard to explain the difference between Mark and the rest that makes being with Mark bearable and being with the others so, so difficult. Jaebum thought to himself that the difference is the expectations. With his dongsaengs he was expected to be an impeccable leader, but Mark never seemed to have a set expectation for him. When Jaebum fell under in performance level, Mark didn't look at him in surprise or disappointment, he just encouraged him through whatever task he was failing to accomplish. It could be a bit unnerving at times, how much Mark seemed to know. He could read Jaebum like a book, and for Jaebum that was a terrifying prospect. The idea that someone could tell his many weaknesses and faults so easily. But then he reminds himself that if Mark really knew what Jaebum was like, he would hate him, not save him, so Jaebum consoles himself with that thought and guiltily allows himself to accept Mark's kindness for as long as it lasts.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are appreciated! I’m excited/nervous for the story as I really want to be able to portray my ideas correctly for this one.
> 
> I was kinda iffy on this update because of Jaebum’s sudden character change from empty to ‘happy’. Sometimes willpower just doesn’t cut it, not even close and it felt unrealistic to write that. However, you can also ‘fake it till you make it’ which is the path I decided to go with for THIS chapter. Just wanted to clear that up even though no one asked.


End file.
